Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed? Why not?

On April 1 I launched this website with my first article. What a glorious day that was! I promised myself it would launch on the very first day of the month of my birth – zero excuses.

Did I allow time to actually plan out a writing schedule? No. Did I take more than 24 hours to try and create this website and it’s esthetic? Nope. Did I honestly give myself a deadline but then not actually work on it until the day before? Yep. And finally, did I launch this when I already have some other major projects, commitments and – oh right – a full time job AND depression? You bet I did!

My depression has been asking me since I launched this: Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed?

Why would you, a person with a time, energy, mental and emotional drainfest of a full time job who lives with depression that needs both the help of a therapist and meds decide to start a website to write stories on a regular basis? Wouldn’t it be better to take on this project when you’re better? Or retired? Or at least give yourself more time to actually do it?

Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed?

Afterall, when depression raises its life sucking maw and starts to drain away all of the light and joy and desire to do things like brush your teeth, starting a regularly published writing project for others seems a bit much. Maybe just focus on all the other things.

Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed?

People might actually read what you write, unlikely of course, but they might accidentally stumble up on it. Don’t get your hopes up, but one of them might enjoy a sentence or two you type up. They could possibly want you to write more. And then you’ll have another person who is counting on you to continue with this. And you have depression, so really you can’t be counted on.

Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed?

Especially one that no one asked for! Really, this is all you. Do you really think you are so important and all knowing that the world needs your voice? You – a nearing middle age, middle-class, privileged white woman. There are REAL issues in the world. Like cops.

Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed?

Um, why not?

It’s not like I will ever be “cured” or “better” when it comes to living with the mental illness of depression. I’ve lived with it all of my life, quite literally from the time I was a wee child. It is a part of me as much as my right arm. For better or worse it has made me who I am, and so to wait for me to be “better” would mean to never do it.

Why not?

Sure, my depression has come up to make functioning a bit more difficult. I’m sure it will occur again. But I’m not in a depressive episode now. Or yesterday. I probably will be fine tomorrow and the next day. There’s no sense in waiting when I’m fine now.

Why not?

So people may not read this, or the article before, or the one to follow. I’m doing this mostly for me and it’s a bonus if it becomes something others can use. There’s been a need to make my journey with depression known, because for the longest time I had no idea others could feel like I did. If there is someone who stumbles, accidentally on this website and can find solace that they aren’t alone in this battle, I’m here for it.

Why not?

No one asked for the Kardashians and we have about half a million of them. I think I can throw a little something up on these interwebs. 

***

I started this website with the title 40 Year Old Urging for a reason. Up until this point I’ve allowed my depression (and the opinions) of others rule my life and decisions. I grew up always wanting to do the things but deferring to depression and its insistence I couldn’t. This project is one of those things and I don’t want to listen to that illness any more. 

So I’ll write on a whim and I’ll publish it quick, with little thought and less editing. It’s how I was able to launch this in the first place, just do it before depression had time to tell me otherwise.

That’s how I’m planning on living my life, at least for now. Follow the urge and go. 

Depression will always ask, “Why bother?” It’s time I reply with, “Why not?”

Published by Elizabeth

Freelance writer, science teacher, dog owner, Bills fan. Dreams of moving to NYC. I do what I want.

2 thoughts on “Why bother starting a big project when you’re depressed? Why not?

  1. Very proud of you for this perspective. It is a true and sincere question and one I and many others, ask themselves all the time. We did the same. We started a publishing company that is now very successful but we all asked ourselves, how can we do this, over 40, chronic illness, too busy, too depressed etc and we did and it was worth it and I feel the same will and is true of you and I wish you only success – knowing if you don’t give up on you – it will be so worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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